The Four Teenagers - an updated 'Four Sons' for the modern seder.
 by Lucy, Sophia, Cynthia Eller and Jonathan Greene
 (c)2011

The wise ass te nager, what does she say?

Look, I know this story, and it was exciting and all when I was, you know,
five, but that's so totally over.  I know all the laws and statues and
testimonies, I even know the names of the rabbis.  Listen: Rabbi Elizer,
Rabbi Yehoshua, Rabbi Elazar ben Azaryah, Rabbi Akiva, and Rabbi Tarfon.
Can anyone else sitting here at the table honestly say that they know all
these names?  Really?  But I know them, I know them all, even Shifra and
Puah.  So may I please be excused?  My internet friends are questing for
the silver spoon of the Demon Bob, and they haven't got a chance in hell
of finding him if I'm not there.

  The wicked cool teenager, what does he say?

Why are you guys doing this stuff anyway?  Don't you have anything better
to do?  What has G-d ever done for me?  I never asked the dude to rescue
the Jews from slavery in Egypt.  Why do you guys keep doing this year
after year after year after year ...

   The "like" simple teenager, what does she say?

[Texting]  What?  Oh, you're telling me to like to do this?  This is so dumb, 
like there's this awesome new store a the mall.  Oh my God, Julie's like 
there right now, and I'm stuck like here eating horseradish and Jew crackers.  
[Filing nails]  I mean, I don't get why we have to do this, I mean like 
just because we got freedom, who cares?

   As for the teenager who is too stoned to ask ...

[Studying fingers on hand] Wow ... have you ever noticed how each of
your fingers is like a tiny arm?  It's like ... I've got five little arms 
on my hand, with elbows and wrists and everything ... Wow.  Does anyone 
have some Froot Loops?  Or Captain Crunch, or maybe some twinkies?  
Oh ... yeah ... Chametz.  How about a shank bone?